Highly reliable sources (the voices in my head) are reporting that the death of Osama Bin Laden is entirely thanks to him owning an iPhone, allowing his location to be tracked.
Osama was a rabid Apple fanboy owning over a dozen iPods alone. He allegedly had also already received 2 white iPhones through covert channels, which is a shame because they’re now the only red iPhones in existence and are now war trophies.
The sources also report that Steve Jobs had this to say on the topic:
Well, we finally got caught tracking people, and officials from the Pentagon approached us and said that we might just as well rat out Osama now as we have nothing left to hide. It’s just as well… That bastard jailbroke his iPhone anyways and wasn’t buying through iTunes.
When asked if Apple had plans to release a red iPhone commemorative edition to celebrate Apple’s role in killing Osama Bin Laden, Steve said:
Unlike black, or even white, red is a much more difficult color to get right. We have teams of researchers working on the problem right now, but it could be several years or more before we can develop a red iPhone that truly satisfies Apple’s high standards and delivers that special user experience that people have come to expect.
Apparently the red color of baby-blood is the most attractive, however, few infants currently own iPhones, making tracking them difficult.
Artificial means are allegedly being planned and tested at Apple’s super-secret hideout.
Wide spread public outcry against Apple’s privacy invasions is sweeping the interwebs. One completely lucid internetizen said:
Like, this is bullshit man! How long will it be before I’m assassinated too? This sucks donkey balls!
Reportedly, officials at the Pentagon replied, “No comment,” when asked whether they would be killing more iPhone users.
Rumors are spreading confusion over Osama Bin Laden’s final words. Some sources report his final words as, “Should’ve got an Android”, while others report them as, “Should’ve got a Windows Mobile”. Other sources are saying his final words were simply, “Oh fuck…”